Jun 272011
 

Whenever you interact with someone, your brain is constantly monitoring their behaviours, their body language, and the way others react to them in order to establish their social standing. Ever notice how people are reserved when they first meet each other, or how people don’t really open up until they have a ‘feel’ for one another? There’s a good reason for this – read on.

In social animals like humans, making a social mistake can be costly. To avoid this, evolution has gifted humans with a sort of social radar, a part of the brain that constantly pings others for indicators of social value. Social animals do this to determine the social status of others around them, which is important so they have an idea of how to behave in an acceptable way.

Before going any further into the article, watch this video of an unemployed, average looking guy competing for women against a rich, better looking dude – and destroying him. After the video I’ll explain how it makes perfect sense that the poorer, uglier guy wins.

 

 

The concept of social value is so important because of a loophole in the way people perceive it. If the way you act is consistent with the way high value people act, it doesn’t matter if you’re ACTUALLY a high value person or not. The video above shows a guy who isn’t good looking, rich, or powerful walking up to some of the hottest girls in the club and generating attraction. It’s not money or good looks that get women; it’s the confidence and swagger that usually go with those things.

 

Do good looks get women?

 

If good looks got women, every good looking dude would have a hot girlfriend. If you’ve ever left your basement, you’ve seen tons of good looking guys with average or below average looking girls. The same thing can be said about money. The only real consistent factor in guys who have great girlfriends (and great friends in general) is high social value.

To understand how girls feel when low value guys hit on them, think about the feeling you get when a homeless person approaches you. Here’s a story that explains this phenomenon perfectly:

When I see a homeless person approaching me, I KNOW they can’t offer me anything and are only interested in taking value from me, so I shut them down. One time when I told a homeless dude to get lost, he stuck around and started making jokes, and I laughed a bit. I started to ease up, and within a minute or so my opinion of him changed so I gave him a couple bucks.

 

Hot girls go through the EXACT SAME sequence of emotions with guys.

 

They’re so used to getting bombarded by loser guys that they immediately shut most guys down, and it’s an effective filter. Low value guys give up at the first sign of challenge. High value guys are used to challenge and know that sometimes you have to push through a bit of adversity before you succeed.  She doesn’t know if you’re cool or not, so you have to put yourself in a situation where she can see it.

Cultivating value takes time. Obviously you can’t just wake up one day and decide you’re a high value guy; like anything it starts as an idea, if the idea seems reasonable it becomes a belief, and if you have enough experience supporting the belief it becomes knowledge. Everyone has some idea of what kind of guy gets the best girls. If you don’t match your idea of the ‘worthy’ guy, start improving yourself and improving your lifestyle until you become the worthy guy.

Be the party instead of looking for the party. Be an exciting, interesting, passionate person who contributes and enhances whatever is going on. Develop your social awareness, and if you feel drawn to someone, think about why you’re drawn to them and incorporate it into your own lifestyle.Think about the coolest guy you know and what makes him different from you. Consider your role models and why you admire them. Work on yourself until your positive beliefs become knowledge. Most of all, have fun.

 

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 Posted by on June 27, 2011
Jun 202011
 

Before I explain what reframing is and why it’s important, you need to understand the concept of psychological frame. In psychological and social terms, frame is a person’s sense of reality; the accumulation of all their life experiences, views, and beliefs. Your frame is like a coloured lens through which you interpret the world, and every experience you have is coloured by it. Experience alone has no meaning until it has been interpreted within some sort of context.

For example, say you have a healthy sense of reality – you believe you’re a cool guy who has lots to offer, and women find you desirable. If you approach a woman who takes one look at you and decides you’re unworthy of her attention, your frames will clash and the stronger one will win out. If you get deflated and give up when she doesn’t immediately warm up to you, it’s because her belief that you’re a loser is stronger than your belief that you aren’t.

Guys who are great with women have incredible frame control. It’s not at all uncommon to encounter resistance when you approach women, and to overcome this resistance you have to be good at reframing. I know this is all very abstract stuff, so here’s a simple, practical example:

Girl: I could really use a drink.
Guy: Me too, could you get me one while you’re over there?

At face value, this example seems like simple banter between a guy and a girl, but high value people don’t communicate at face value. High value people communicate mainly through subcommunications: things like frame, body language, and social vibing. A socially intelligent person can ‘see the matrix’ so to speak, and if they look at the above example they will see the following:

Girl: I’m hot, and I have more value than you do. You need to buy me something before I’ll talk to you.
Guy: I’m not some desperate guy who will buy you things to earn your approval. In fact, YOU should buy ME something.

Girls would be in a lot of trouble if they were unable to determine which guys were worth keeping around and which ones weren’t. It’s not like there’s some database where they can look you up and see if you’re actually a cool guy, so they figure it out by observing your behaviour and testing the strength of your beliefs.

High value men are very sure of themselves; they have a well-defined set of values, morals and beliefs that has been reinforced over the years through reference experience. Successful men are accustomed to challenge and adversity, so they don’t flinch when faced with a frame that conflicts with their own but instead skilfully navigate the situation through the use of reframes.

To get better at reframing, there are two things you can do. The first thing is working on strengthening the foundation of your frame: your beliefs and your sense of reality. Why are you cool? What makes you an interesting person? Why would people like you? What do you bring to the table?

The second thing you can do is practice reframing. An easy way is to work on reframing is to monitor your thoughts, and anytime you catch yourself thinking negatively, reframe it into something positive. This is a key concept, and we incorporate reframing exercises into every program – if you’re ready to take your social skills to the next level, contact us for a free consultation.

 

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 Posted by on June 20, 2011
Jun 132011
 

It seems like everyone hits a point in their lives when they want to find someone to love and settle down with, and this decision is usually followed by months or even years of frustration, wondering why there doesn’t seem to be any decent singles out there. Read on to discover how to find love and exponentially increase your chances of finding a compatible date.

I have a secret to tell you: there is no such thing as a soul mate, “the one”, destined lovers, or any of that crap. The average person goes on three dates per year, so OF COURSE it will FEEL like it was “meant to be” if one of the three works out long term. In reality, there are literally tens of thousands of people out there compatible enough for you to marry; it’s a matter of putting yourself out there and meeting them.

I’ve seen a lot of my personal friends go from single to committed and back again, and dealt with many clients who have problems keeping a relationship alive for longer than a few months.

There is one common problem throughout almost every single case: they’re searching for someone using the wrong criteria.

Looking for someone with money is a terrible idea if you’re looking for a long term partner, and searching based on looks is even worse. Common interests are decent, but the best thing to look for is a shared value system. Money problems can be worked out, relationships can be great even if you don’t share a ton of interests, but if you and your partner have different values there’s no way it will work.

Values breed behaviours, so figure out if someone is on the same page as you by watching how they act. If they’re rude to the waitress on your first date, they’re not going to be nice to you down the road, and so on.

Defining your value system is a critical step if you’re serious about finding a great match and potentially life long partner. I’m not saying finding someone with similar values will guarantee marriage down the line, but it’s the single most important factor in determining if a relationship will work or not.

Looking for someone without knowing your values is like fishing with a bedsheet instead of a net; sure you’ll catch some good stuff, but you’ll waste a lot of time sifting through the garbage. A well defined set of values acts like a net, filtering out those who don’t fit your criteria so all you have to worry about is if they like penguins, or if their favourite colour is the same as yours.

Wondering how you figure out your values? Simple really, just open a new word document or grab a piece of paper and write down things that are important to you. Common values are things like loyalty, honesty, and respect. After you have your most important values figured out, move on to defining your boundaries.

No one is perfect – if you’re TOO unforgiving it’ll do more harm than anything. To keep yourself from going too far in one direction or the other, figure out how much people are allowed to deviate from your value system before you take action. For example, if you wrote down the value of honesty, you need to figure out what level of dishonesty you will tolerate from a date before you break off the relationship.

Once you’ve chiseled out your value system and decided what you’re willing to tolerate, it’s time to put yourself out there and stick to your guns. Be ready to commit, but be just as ready to kick them to the curb if they aren’t up to snuff.

 

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 Posted by on June 13, 2011
Jun 062011
 

Most people have an idea of how their life is going to be. They have an idea of where they’re going to live, how much money they’re going to make, the type of job they’re going to have. But this weird thing happens when you ask them how they plan on achieving all their goals: they say “one day” and then whatever plan they have. It’s like people think achieving a whole bunch of crazy shit can be done in a couple years once they’re old and done partying or something.

Maybe it’s some weird thing with our generation because our parents told us things like “if you can dream it it’s possible”, “if you want something bad enough you’ll get it”, and all these other inspiring things.

I’m sure they meant well, but it’s easy to see how a child would interpret these messages literally. The result is a whole generation that seems to believe their lives will magically improve somewhere around the age of 30. Until fairly recently I was one of those people; I figured I would just go to school, keep my grades up, and when I graduated it would be stacks of fat cash and endless vacations.

So what happened to my dreams of fat cash?

A few years ago I realized I had to make serious changes or my life wasn’t going to be the way I envisioned it. Don’t get me wrong, I was by no means in dire straits or anything. Even if I took zero action my future would still be decent, I would be guaranteed a comfortable life with a nice car, nice house and a six figure salary. What bothered me is underneath it all my life would be the same – getting up, going to my job, coming home and waiting for the escape of a vacation. I’m not down for spending 10 years in school to get an upgraded version of what I have now. The idea of feeling this way about my life FOREVER scared the shit outta me.

I, like most people, want something . . . different. I imagine waking up in foreign, exotic places, being excited to start my day, having incredible adventures and meeting new people. I imagine one day I’ll look back at my life now and not understand how I coped with the complete lack of passion in day to day life, going to a day job and listening to the same boring shit from lifers at whatever company.

I’ve met SO MANY people who feel the way I do, people who wish for so much more out of life but for whatever reason never sack up and go for it. Instead of taking action they waste their whole lives delaying, procrastinating, and die having never really lived. The thought of ending up like that is by far my biggest fear.

If you always try to be totally prepared before you act, you will never act.

You will die preparing. It’s very counterintuitive, but when it comes to living your ideal lifestyle it’s far more efficient to act and deal with the consequences than to try and anticipate everything and over prepare.

If you want to live in France, you can spend years taking French lessons, saving money, planning things, or you can man up , buy a ticket and get over there next week. Once you’re there, you will either adapt or die. We’re so spoiled in modern society that the thought of starvation or homelessness as a possibility is enough to scare us out of action. Our ancestors survived apex predators, an ice age or two, plagues, wars, famine, and who knows what else, but most of us are too scared to move to a new city or change jobs. Insane.

Stop procrastinating, and start designing your life to be the way YOU want it to be. Live where you want, build the career you want, do the things you want to do. Start that business, write that book, whatever it is as long as you’re passionate about it and it makes you happy.

Or just dream about it all for a few decades. Up to you.

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 Posted by on June 6, 2011