Sep 122011

Everyone has experienced the frustration of someone replying “just be yourself” when asking for advice about a date, job interview, or other social situation. The first reaction to this is thinking, “Be yourself?! I’m always myself!” and remembering all the life experiences that reinforce this belief – things like approaching girls and getting shut down or job interviews that didn’t work out.

If you’ve ever worked up the guts to be yourself and had it backfire, you know how bad it feels. It could be because the girl you approached legitimately wasn’t into you, that there was a more qualified employee for the job you wanted,  or whatever the case may be – but most of the time it comes down to simply not knowing how to be yourself.

When I was a kid, maybe 5 years old, I would approach beautiful women fearlessly and on a regular basis. I would run up to secretaries, women passing by, bridesmaids, any woman I liked, and tell them what I thought. If I saw a girl I liked I would go start a conversation with her, and although I didn’t know it at the time, it was a completely natural thing. I didn’t think about what to say, how to act, or what cologne to wear before I went out. I’ve spent (and will continue to spend) years of my adult life trying to recapture this simple, honest way of being.

As people age, what used to be natural for us in childhood becomes difficult. The impulses and desires we blindly followed years earlier become stifled. We lose the ability to be ourselves and instead cater to our fears and insecurities. Instead of just walking up to a woman and expressing interest, guys try to be friends first, because some ‘dating expert’ in a magazine said it was a good idea.

When I tell clients to “be yourself”, what I’m saying is take the time to find out who you are, then develop the confidence to follow your desires. Going up to a girl you think is hot and making small talk isn’t being yourself, it’s stifling yourself.

You have to be able to relax and have fun. Being overly worried about looking cool is the fastest way to kill attraction, which is why developing a solid, congruent identity is so important.

So how exactly do you reconnect to your inner pimp (or pirate, or whatever) and figure out how to be yourself again?

First, you need to be deeply rooted and guided by your truest desires, passions, and values. If you aren’t in touch with who you truly are, what you truly want, and what you’re truly passionate about, you will never be happy. Not only will you never be happy, you will never attract the right woman.

Once you figure out what you’re most passionate about, what you want the most, find a career that channels your passions, and carve out a value system, you officially have your “inner game” handled. Inner game gives you a foundation, a sense of worth that comes from within, and prevents the needy behaviour that sabotages so many relationships.

A strong sense of identity provides you with that grounded, decisive confidence women love, but it’s not always easy to figure it all out on your own; we know because we’ve gone through all the hard work and discovered the secrets to building an attractive identity first hand. Email us at and we’ll help you get started for free. Put “free consultation” in the subject line and tell us a bit about yourself.


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 Posted by on September 12, 2011
Sep 052011


Regardless of who you are or what you do, the answer to this question will always be ‘yes’. The human brain adapts both quickly and constantly, rewiring itself to be as efficient as possible at completing any challenges that we encounter.

A few minutes ago I was watching Underworld (the vampire movie with Kate Beckinsale – check it out), but I couldn’t enjoy the movie because I had an unfinished article that needed to be done by morning. I knew as long as an incomplete task was on my plate, I wouldn’t be able to relax – so I decided I would put my laptop down, write the article when Underworld was finished, and unwind.


Then a thought hit me with the force of a freight train, and I had one of those epiphanies us self-improvement junkies love.


A few weeks ago I was reading about the philosophy of Kaizen, which is Japanese for ‘constant improvement’. Rather than attempting to make huge leaps in progress, Kaizen is about making small, steady improvements consistently, collectively resulting in a larger change.  It just so happens to be the philosophy Toyota utilized to become the top automaker in the world, so right away I knew it had merit.

I didn’t realize the important part until minutes ago. When I tried to ditch my responsibilities to watch a movie, the connection I was looking for became apparent.


Improvement can be positive or negative, and it’s happening all the time.


Every decision, no matter how small, changes you – for better or for worse. A seemingly innocent decision to dismiss my professional responsibilities actually results in a negative improvement: I get better at being lazy.

Even if it seems like you aren’t doing anything, you are making improvements of some kind. For example, say you’re relaxing watching some TV after work – seems innocent, right? Well, while you watch TV, your brain is less active than when you’re sleeping, and it adjusts accordingly. It’s just like your muscles: your brain is incredibly efficient, and if it recognizes it can downsize and still achieve what it needs to, it will.

You are improving all the time, but for better, or for worse?

Practice being aware of your decisions, aware of what you’re doing, and assess whether or not each particular decision you make is guiding you towards what you want in life, or away from it. Figure out what you can do better every day, and constantly cut out the unnecessary or inefficient – this is a great way to whittle at unproductive behaviours, and will result in immediate, tangible benefits.


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 Posted by on September 5, 2011