R

Ryan is a passionate speaker, writer and entrepreneur. After giving corporate life a try, he quit his job at the age of 22 to start a business providing various counseling services.

Jan 022013
 


Happy New Year!


 
Picture of New Year's Fireworks
It’s that time of year again. Everyone posts a Facebook status detailing all the positive changes they’re going to make this year, but for most people those changes will be short lived.
 
Separate yourself from the masses and crush your New Year’s resolution with five strategies to pave your way to goal setting glory.
 
 

Number 5: Believe Your Resolution Is Achievable

When you’re setting a goal, the first step to achieving it is believing you can. Some people create a spur of the moment resolution because everyone else is doing it, and this can result in an unreasonable goal.

If you announce a resolution to gain 30 pounds of muscle without knowing anything about diet or exercise, you’re setting yourself up for failure. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be ambitious, only that your ambition should be tempered with realism.

It’s better to be forced to raise the bar once you reach it than to lower the bar because you couldn’t get there. Be honest with yourself and start with a goal you believe you can reach.


Number 4: Reward Your Small Successes

Setting milestones and rewarding yourself as you hit them is proven to increase motivation and strengthen commitment. This works because of something called classical conditioning – we’re hardwired to seek rewards and avoid punishment.

By rewarding yourself as you achieve progress, you’re conditioning your brain to associate progress with pleasure.

We’ve all heard someone say that going to the gym is hard at first, but eventually it becomes hard not to go. This is because there’s not much of a reward at first, just hard work and sore muscles.

As muscles grow and fat disappears, the brain starts to understand the short term pain of working out leads to long term happiness and self-esteem. The emotions you feel are a result of whether your brain has a positive or negative expectation about future events.

Your brain is a quick learner, so take advantage of this mechanism and reward behaviours you want to develop.

Picture of Active Brain
 


Number 3: Be Prepared With a Clear Plan

A person’s level of preparation is one of the best predictors of resolution success.

If your goal is to lose ten pounds, you’d have a decent shot at success if you plan to eat less and exercise. A better plan would be to eat less, join a gym, and avoid fast food. A great plan would be to create a meal plan, have the groceries in the fridge on New Year’s Eve, hire a personal trainer, limit your drinking on nights out, and avoid fast food.

Take into account multiple ways to succeed, and anticipate multiple ways you might fail. It’s much easier to succeed if you have an in depth understanding about what you need to do and how you’re going to do it.


Number 2: Make Your Resolution Is Specific, Measurable, and Attainable

If your resolution has these three traits, you’re already ahead of pretty much everyone.

Specific goals are far more likely to be pursued because you know exactly what you have to do. A classic example of this is the wave of people who buy a gym membership in January only to quit days or weeks after signing up.

These people likely made a goal of going to the gym – which they achieved – but they didn’t specify a series of exercises to do when they got there. As a result, they felt overwhelmed by the variety of equipment and didn’t even know where to begin.

PIcture of Jacked Dude
I remember my first experience in the gym being incredibly awkward. Huge jacked dudes were everywhere moving quickly from machine to machine; they knew exactly where they needed to go and how to use different equipment. People waited around impatiently while I figured stuff out, and I felt like I had to rush through everything.

I stopped going after a couple weeks because it was such an unpleasant experience, which brings us to the number one secret to making your resolution a success…
 


Number 1: Define Failure Realistically

Getting in shape was my resolution that year, and I felt like shit when I quit after only two weeks. About a week after I stopped going, a friend invited me to a Muay Thai class and I loved it. I started training three times a week and eventually got into competitive fighting.

Success doesn’t always happen the way you think it will. If you define failure as having a slip or a setback you’re setting yourself up for disappointment, because we all slip at some point. Mentally prepare yourself for the times when you come up short, and don’t beat yourself up over it.

Remember: you don’t have to be perfect to succeed, you just have to be consistent.

 Posted by on January 2, 2013
Apr 242012
 

You don’t need money to be attractive to women.

 
You don’t need to be tall.

You don’t need to have a magazine worthy body either.

To understand how to be attractive to women, you have to understand how attraction works. Women are attracted to value, and most guys understand this – the problem is they don’t understand what type of value women are attracted to.

Lots of guys try to project the wrong type of value, usually by talking about their high salary job, or by acting in an overly nice way.

How to be Attractive to Women

A perfect example of projecting the wrong type of value is the guy who always ends up in the friend zone. This guy presents little value to a woman in terms of attraction, but lots of value in terms of friendship.

She keeps him around to get rides and free dinners, and he provides her with these things to secure her companionship.

He resents her for not being attracted to him, but he doesn’t realize it’s because he’s projecting the wrong kind of value.
 

Women want social value.

 
For the most part, men spend their lives building professional and financial value, and the reason they struggle with women is because they try to attract them by projecting it.

Any guy who has tried to attract a woman by talking about how much money he makes, his position at work, or his BMW will know most women could care less about professional value.

They want a man who is confident, fun to be around, and easy going. Taking care of your body and making her feel beautiful won’t hurt either.

The socially valuable guy is the one who’s laughing with his friends, telling stories and having a good time, teasing her playfully and making her feel desired.

How to be Attractive to Women

Ever notice how you seem to be more successful with women when you’re out just having a good time? It’s because you aren’t approaching women with a hidden agenda, using lines or stories to get her to like you. In fact, you aren’t trying to get anything.

You’re just in a good mood, spinning girls around, saying whatever comes to your mind, and everything seems so smooth and effortless. You’re GIVING value instead of trying to GET value.
 

Women are attracted to guys who aren’t afraid to put themselves out there.

 
Women are attracted to men who are confident, funny, laid back, and outgoing. The type of man who isn’t shy about expressing his interest and speaking his mind.

Every woman likes being around a guy who feels good about himself and makes her feel good too. Make a conscious effort to develop these qualities, and become the guy with a cool, interesting lifestyle and an attractive personality.

Guys who try to take value are easy to spot. They’re out at bars and clubs wondering what to say, how to act, and generally have no idea what to offer a woman – which is why they feel the need to develop pickup lines and techniques.

If you’re a high value guy, you don’t need to come up with witty stories or lines, you can just approach a woman and be yourself. Value takers typically get frustrated when they’re told to “be yourself” because they haven’t developed an attractive self, and the advice doesn’t work for them.

Find out how to develop a naturally attractive lifestyle, and learn how to be comfortable and confident around women. If you’re the type of the guy who doesn’t know what to say or you feel like being yourself won’t work, click here to check out our personalized coaching programs.

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 Posted by on April 24, 2012
Apr 092012
 
It’s commonly said that if you like someone you should put off having sex with them until you build a non-sexual foundation together, but is this good advice?

 

How Many Dates Before SexFor some people, it’s great advice – but it’s not great advice for everyone. When it comes to dating and relationships, there aren’t a bunch of golden rules that work for everyone. Some people need to establish a strong connection before they have sex with someone, which can take several dates. Others are comfortable sleeping with people they barely know, so first date sex isn’t a bad idea.

How many dates should you wait? As many as it takes for you to get comfortable.

If you’re both comfortable enough on the first date and you both want to do it, there’s nothing wrong with that. The only time having sex will have negative effects is when it’s done before one or both people are comfortable. Sex has earned a bad reputation because lots of people blame their short-lived relationships on having sex too soon.

If two people are genuinely committed to serious dating, they aren’t going to end a potential long term relationship with someone they like because of how soon or how late they have sex. Most couples have sex within the first few dates, and since very few relationships end up lasting long term, it’s easy to see why people would mistakenly associate early sex and short lived relationships.

The idea that being friends first leads to a healthier romantic relationship stems from a misunderstanding of how social relationships work.

 

All social relationships are a constant interplay of comfort and attraction. It doesn’t matter if a relationship starts with two friends who get romantic, or a hook-up that grows into something more; either way results in a romantic relationship and neither route is superior to the other. The picture below helps illustrate how comfort and attraction work together, with different boxes representing the balance of comfort and attraction required for different types of social relationships.

These boxes are an example of how a person’s boundaries might look. Keep in mind these boxes will be different sizes and be in different positions depending on the individual.

A visual of different social relationships

The ‘relationship’ box above symbolizes the amount of attraction and comfort necessary for this person to have a romantic relationship.

It doesn’t matter whether someone is a hook-up or a friend – both have relationship potential. A hook-up would have to build comfort, while a friend would have to build attraction.

 

There is no “right” amount of time you should wait before having sex with someone you really like. It depends on your own personal boundaries, what type of relationship you have with them now, and what type of relationship you want to have with them.

Check out our coaching if you’re frustrated with your dating situation –  we’ll pinpoint the things holding you back and tell you how to overcome them so you can attract and date the type of people you’re interested in. Or, click here to find out more.

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 Posted by on April 9, 2012
Apr 042012
 

Get procrastination under control.

If you’re reading this, chances are your procrastination is more than just an inconvenience.

Like no matter how much you do, there will always be a big to do list of chores, assignments, work, and responsibilities? It can feel overwhelming, and it’s tempting to escape by procrastinating.

How Can I Stop Procrastinating?

The point of procrastinating is to appease our conscience so we can go have fun without feeling bad about it. But there’s a way to go have fun without a guilty conscience and still get everything handled.

It’s a simple method I’ve been using for years now, and I’m amazed I don’t hear of any other people using it.

So what’s my secret?

I organize my tasks in order of urgency and make a timeline with milestones when necessary.

Why is this so effective? Think about it this way:

If you have five days to complete a 1000 word report, you only have to do 200 words per day. Starting a 1000 word report seems daunting; writing 200 words quickly before you go out is easy.

 

Another great thing about this method is it capitalizes on how motivation really works. Most advice I see about motivation is people saying you should repeat mantras, put up vision boards, and leave inspirational notes around the house, all things that don’t address the real issue.

The problem with this approach to getting motivated is it ignores the concept of momentum. If you’re on the couch watching TV, it’s difficult to will yourself to get up and tidy the whole house. But if you make your goal putting away one dirty dish instead of tidying everything, it’s much easier – putting away one dish only takes a few seconds.  Ever been reluctant to start something, but once you do you spend hours on it? That’s momentum.

Once you put away one dish, why not put away one more? Once you start, it’s easier to keep going. Momentum works for you instead of against you.

 

I call these microgoals, and microgoals are what I use to get me out of the absolute laziest moods.Stop Procrastinating, Start Relaxing

Microgoals are so ridiculously simple and require such a small amount of time to do that I feel intolerably bad if I don’t do them.

The trick is breaking a task down repeatedly until it’s the first step is something that requires only seconds to do, and from there momentum makes whatever you’re doing a downhill battle.

Even if you don’t end up finishing what you started, at least you made a dent in it and can go have fun knowing when you come back to you have less to deal with.

Sign up for coaching and start making real progress toward your goals. Focus on doing a bit each day, and you’ll be amazed how quickly you’ll be enjoying the rewards of your labour.

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 Posted by on April 4, 2012
Mar 302012
 

Arguing isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, it’s a necessary part of a healthy relationship.

There’s a big difference though between fighting and arguing, and it’s important to both know the difference and know how to communicate effectively.

 

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 Posted by on March 30, 2012
Mar 302012
 
If you’ve ever felt anxious about running out of things to say on your first date, or having a bunch of awkward silences, you’re not alone.

 

What to Say on a Date

At one point or another we’ve all worried about running out of conversation, or not having anything to talk about.

I’ve always found this amazing, because most people in the dating pool have upwards of twenty years life experience. How can someone with twenty years of interesting experiences and stories run out of things to talk about in less than a few hours?

The short answer is – you don’t.

Think about how things are when you’re around a really good friend: conversation flows naturally, you bounce back and forth between a bunch of different topics, and no one ever talks about one thing for very long. When you’re with someone new, the social pressure of the situation can cause you to become self-conscious and start worrying about how things are going.

This pressure prevents you from being present in the moment and behaving normally, but there’s a way around it.

The secret to having smooth conversation even when you’re feeling uncomfortable is learning how to use conversation branching to your advantage.

 

When people are having a good time, they naturally branch topics, and if you become aware of how conversation branching works you can do it well in any situation.

What to Say on a DateEverything a person says is loaded with branches that provide you with the opportunity to take the conversation in a new direction.

Say for example you ask a girl what she did last night, and she says “Not much. Went out with some friends then relaxed at home for a bit and watched some TV.

Within her response, there are at least three obvious branches: watching TV, going out with friends, and not doing much.

The key to transitioning from boring fluff conversation like this into fun, more natural conversation is humour and teasing.

 

Here are three possible replies to what she said that incorporate teasing, open up additional branches, and generally move the vibe away from boring conversation and towards either fun, flirty conversation or relating and rapport building.

“Oh no… you’re not one of those Jersey Shore reality TV addicts are you?”

“Where’d you guys go?”  ( wait for her response, then tell a funny or cool story about going out with your friends that relates to her answer )

“Long week? You don’t really seem like the stay at home type.”

All of these responses avoid the interview style trap so many guys fall into, and her answers will allow you to branch out again or continue with fun banter a bit until you find another topic you want to talk about. When you’re good at transitioning naturally from topic to topic you don’t need to worry about what you should say or what topics to bring up; things will seem a lot more natural and you’ll have a lot more success.

If you aren’t naturally outgoing and want to become more social, expand your social circle and learn how to talk to women naturally, click here to check out our affordable one-on-one coaching.

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 Posted by on March 30, 2012
Mar 242012
 

The best way to get out of the friend zone is by staying out of it in the first place. Check out this video on how to avoid being thrown into a girl’s friend zone.

 Posted by on March 24, 2012
Mar 212012
 
As a culture, we are obsessed with normality.

We want to know what’s normal, what’s average, and where we fit along the spectrum. Last month on Google alone there were over TWENTY MILLION people that searched “how can I be normal?” In the same time frame, more than TWENTY FIVE MILLION people asked Google “how do I fit in?

 

I wonder if any of these millions of people stopped at any point to ask themselves how normal is defined.

What exactly IS normal, who decides, and is being normal a worthwhile goal to have?

 

People imitate what they see in magazines and what they see on TV instead of being comfortable with what they think is cool. People look outside themselves to try and figure out how they should act or what they should wear because they’re so concerned about fitting in. I’m not saying you should act like a confused teenager, but if you base your interests, passions, and social group around what other people think is cool, that’s a problem.

 

Why stifle yourself for the sake of fitting in? Stop giving a shit about what other people think, about what side of normal you’re on, and start being yourself.

 

Cool is whatever you think it is.

Who cares what everyone else is doing? Give yourself permission to be who you want to be.

If you see a shirt you like, don’t stop and think about whether or not your friends will like it. Don’t ask yourself if girls you don’t know will look at you and think you’re cool.

Take it off the rack and buy it.

You naturally connect with people similar to you, but if you aren’t being yourself, how will you ever connect authentically with anyone? If you pretend to be something you aren’t, you’ll miss out on making connections with people who actually share your interests, and you’ll end up around people you’re pretending to be like.

Developing confidence and your own sense of cool can be tough if you’re not a naturally outgoing, confident person, so click here to check out our coaching packages and see how we can help you out.

Be comfortable with who you are and own it. You’ll be a much happier, more attractive (and much cooler) person.

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 Posted by on March 21, 2012