Sep 122011

Everyone has experienced the frustration of someone replying “just be yourself” when asking for advice about a date, job interview, or other social situation. The first reaction to this is thinking, “Be yourself?! I’m always myself!” and remembering all the life experiences that reinforce this belief – things like approaching girls and getting shut down or job interviews that didn’t work out.

If you’ve ever worked up the guts to be yourself and had it backfire, you know how bad it feels. It could be because the girl you approached legitimately wasn’t into you, that there was a more qualified employee for the job you wanted,  or whatever the case may be – but most of the time it comes down to simply not knowing how to be yourself.

When I was a kid, maybe 5 years old, I would approach beautiful women fearlessly and on a regular basis. I would run up to secretaries, women passing by, bridesmaids, any woman I liked, and tell them what I thought. If I saw a girl I liked I would go start a conversation with her, and although I didn’t know it at the time, it was a completely natural thing. I didn’t think about what to say, how to act, or what cologne to wear before I went out. I’ve spent (and will continue to spend) years of my adult life trying to recapture this simple, honest way of being.

As people age, what used to be natural for us in childhood becomes difficult. The impulses and desires we blindly followed years earlier become stifled. We lose the ability to be ourselves and instead cater to our fears and insecurities. Instead of just walking up to a woman and expressing interest, guys try to be friends first, because some ‘dating expert’ in a magazine said it was a good idea.

When I tell clients to “be yourself”, what I’m saying is take the time to find out who you are, then develop the confidence to follow your desires. Going up to a girl you think is hot and making small talk isn’t being yourself, it’s stifling yourself.

You have to be able to relax and have fun. Being overly worried about looking cool is the fastest way to kill attraction, which is why developing a solid, congruent identity is so important.

So how exactly do you reconnect to your inner pimp (or pirate, or whatever) and figure out how to be yourself again?

First, you need to be deeply rooted and guided by your truest desires, passions, and values. If you aren’t in touch with who you truly are, what you truly want, and what you’re truly passionate about, you will never be happy. Not only will you never be happy, you will never attract the right woman.

Once you figure out what you’re most passionate about, what you want the most, find a career that channels your passions, and carve out a value system, you officially have your “inner game” handled. Inner game gives you a foundation, a sense of worth that comes from within, and prevents the needy behaviour that sabotages so many relationships.

A strong sense of identity provides you with that grounded, decisive confidence women love, but it’s not always easy to figure it all out on your own; we know because we’ve gone through all the hard work and discovered the secrets to building an attractive identity first hand. Email us at and we’ll help you get started for free. Put “free consultation” in the subject line and tell us a bit about yourself.


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 Posted by on September 12, 2011